Paranormal Activity

Well, I don't think I'm going to get back to sleep any time soon, so it seems like a good time for a blog entry.

Things have been pretty quiet here ever since my last doctor's appointment. I've been preparing for my Bond Breaker presentation at work, and I'll be heading up to New York for that tomorrow afternoon. At home, I've mostly been trying to play as many video games as possible because I have had a serious backlog ever since the PSP Go came out. I'm currently working on Wild Arms XF (which is pretty good!) and Demon's Souls. The latter really bothers me because the title is so stupid and they really made some terrible game play decisions. Unfortunately, it's for the PS3, so that means I'll need to keep playing it until I get the platinum trophy (or risk breaking my current streak!).

This weekend was somewhat busy due to a day with Ted's friends on Saturday and then lunch with his dad on Sunday. The biggest thing of note was that we went to see Paranormal Activity with Kevin on Saturday night. I really enjoy scary movies, so I had little doubt that I would enjoy it, but I'm pretty sure that this movie is the scariest movie I've ever seen. It's not that there are a lot of things jumping out at you suddenly (though there are a few). Instead the movie relies on a steady build of tension as the events unfold and escalate to an inescapable conclusion. The part that makes the movie really scary, though, is the fact that it seems so realistic and that it all takes place in a fairly normal couple's bedroom.

After watching the movie, you're left with a bunch of haunting images of events from the movie that would freak the crap out of you if they happened in real life. Then when you try to go to sleep at night, your imagination gets the best of you and you really start to think about those events and worry more and more that something like them could happen to you. You remind yourself that the paranormal isn't real, but it's a small comfort since you can't shake the images from your head and they seemed so authentic.

So, that being said, I've had trouble falling asleep the past three nights. Not a lot, mind you... eventually I find a new topic to occupy my mind and have no trouble falling asleep. But the movie is usually the first thing that comes to mind and so it takes some time to get past it.

Tonight, on the other hand, I had no trouble whatsoever falling asleep. On the past three nights, as is typical, Ted fell asleep before I did, but tonight I fell asleep first. I think that could have been the difference. I'm not quite sure what happened, but all of a sudden I found myself bolt upright in bed. Ted was already sitting up and screaming in genuine terror. I grabbed his shoulder and arm to try to calm him down and he started looking at me and continued to scream, at me, for about five more seconds. I finally calmed him down enough to get him to tell me what was happening, and he said that he must have heard Shabby knock over a glass or something. Vaguely in the back of my head I felt as if I had probably accidentally tapped my night stand, which has three glasses on it sitting side by side so they would clink together, enough to make a noise but not enough to wake me up at least.

Needless to say, this whole incident freaked us both out quite a bit, but I think we're calming down enough now to go back to sleep. Immediately afterward my heart was racing really fast and I was actually a little worried about it, but it's fine now. I guess I'm just surprised because I didn't think Ted was really having any after-effects from the movie like I was, but I guess he must have been...

Side Effects

As I previously mentioned, I'm taking Gleevec. Gleevec is a great drug; unlike typical chemotherapy, it is specifically designed to target the problem cells that Carmichael is making. Of course, it comes with a fair share of side effects. I recently subscribed to the discussion board for Carmichael (he has his own BBS!) on the LLS web site, and unfortunately it's creeping me out a bit. People much further along than me are complaining about the side effects and their quality of life on Gleevec. Then again, they also thought the bone marrow biopsy was really painful, so I'm not sure that I can trust that their experience will be similar to mine.

Speaking of unspeakable pain, I've so far had three temporary side effects from my medication. The first was a rash, which I believe was caused by Hydroxyurea, a chemotherapy medication I was on immediately after diagnosis to bring my alarmingly high white blood cell count down from 430k per hundred mm cubed to a safe 4k-11k. I'm off the Hydroxyurea now, thankfully. Another "side effect" is that Gleevec is preventing me from regrowing some new (albeit cancerous) bone marrow cells, so I'm currently just plain low on bone marrow, which also means that I'm low on all of my blood cell counts. This means I'm slightly anemic, and a little tired, and more importantly, low on platelets, so when my vicious cat Shabby attacked me this evening, I actually bled much more than usual and ruined a sock.

However, those side effects pale in comparison to the third one which I experienced three days ago. I woke up to my new gift in the morning, an excruciating pain in my left toe. After hobbling to a bus that took me to UMD's health center, I was quickly diagnosed with gout, which my third medication (allopurinol) was supposed to prevent. One day and a few painkillers later, it mostly went away, and now I only feel it if I try pretty hard. Interestingly, I don't remember the pain much now, only the certainty that it hurt more than anything else I'd ever experienced. I remember a similar experience when I accidentally stabbed myself in the eye with an umbrella as a child. I got through that pretty easily and realized that when things are really painful, my brain is really good at shielding me from that pain, and for that I am grateful. By the way, to get through my bout of gout, we gave it a nickname too: Gary.

As for other side effects, who knows when they'll strike? One of the most annoying things about Carmichael is that I'm now constantly questioning anything I feel. Did I feel like this yesterday? Have I ever felt this feeling before? Even if I haven't, is this just a normal feeling that's unrelated to Carmichael? How can I tell if something's serious, and what do I do if I mistake something as being minor even though it's dangerous for me? I guess these are just the questions I need to deal with, but still, I think I'd feel a bit better if my boyfriend, Ted, weren't gone to a family reunion this weekend, leaving me home alone for the first time since my diagnosis...