Conclusion

Writing a conclusion for my thesis feels really strange. I kind of didn't really believe that it would ever be over, or maybe I just didn't believe that I would make it to this point. I'm not sure. Either way, it's definitely putting the last seven years in perspective.

I think in the end, my leukemia diagnosis coinciding with winning an award for Persona was especially bad for my mental health the past few years. I went from being amazingly lucky to have been in the right place at the right time doing great work, to being completely unsure of myself and feeling unable to live up to my past successes. It's bad enough when you're in grad school to compare yourself to other students, but to also have to compare yourself to your past self is a burden that can really drag you down, emotionally.

I remember being told to relax and focus on getting better by my advisor more times than I can count, and he's been right about it every time but of course it's not in my nature to listen to him. I kept feeling that so much was expected of me after Persona that it would disappoint Bobby and Neil if I didn't hit upon the next big topic and run with it soon. For a while after the bone marrow transplant, I found myself jumping from topic to topic, only discovering that someone else had beaten me to the punch or that the problem wasn't as novel as I wanted it to be. I became very critical of my own work and of the problems that I deemed worth working on. Naturally I also became very dissatisfied with many of the papers that I read because I had trouble believing that they even got published. At some point I set my bar way too high and I wasn't able to get it back down.

I've submitted something to SIGCOMM that has a chance to get in, though I'm not too optimistic. It's the first thing that I've actually gone all the way with and submitted since 2009, which feels like it's far too long ago. Part of me feels regret that I haven't managed to do more with my time in grad school. The other part of me, having just read through my entire dissertation, feels like I've actually accomplished a lot, even if most of it was from 2009 and before. More importantly, that part of me feels like I'm reaching the end of a journey, and I actually kind of find it hard to read the conclusion without getting at least a little emotional. This was a huge part of my life for the past seven years, and when you think about it, it's going to be a huge part of my life overall. Seeing my complete thesis makes it feel like all of the long nights, unreasonable demands, and unexpected difficulties on the road to the PhD have all been worth it. This is something I did. Nothing can take that away.