Being a federal employee

As you may or may not know, I work for the federal government. I could make three times what I make if I got a job in the private sector, and believe me I have people clamoring to give me a job. But I believe in serving my country because it's a job that needs to be done and I'm one of the few people with the talents and training to make a difference. To me, the money is not the point: I am going to live a comfortable life no matter what job I choose to take, thanks to the amazing opportunities I've been given in life. I appreciate those opportunities every day. I would like to pay back how generous American society has been to me.

But now, because of the shutdown. I'm not even allowed to work. And all of the other technical people who I know and who I work with, we're really struggling. Job security and stability is the one benefit that is assumed with government work, and that has been taken away from us. If you don't think that the immediate effects of the governnment shutdown are bad, you're so far in denial that you're not going to listen to me anyway. The evidence is everywhere already. I'm even more concerned about the long term effects, by which I mean this little thing called STEMmorrhage going on in the federal government. It's an evacuation of our highly trained Science, Technology, and Engineering, and Mathematics personnel to the private sector because, quite frankly, they treat us much, much better than the federal government does. We are a valuable asset. The federal government can only operate smoothly with technically trained people making decisions about technical matters. We as a society should value these people in a way that reflects the important decisions they have to make, the important decisions that only highly-trained people can make with any degree of success.

Every day that passes, more and more of us wonder if it's really worth it to put our own well-being on the line to serve our country. I just hope for America's sake that enough of the federal workforce is going to choose to remain federal employees after how we are being treated in this debacle. The function of the government post-shutdown is going to depend on these people to get things operational again.

Though the shutdown is absolutely a disaster the scale of which we're barely able to grasp yet, on a personal level I've been affected strangely. I was recently hospitalized again for GVHD in my gut, which I think is going to finally make me take a bit of leave-without-pay. That's right, just before the shutdown I already went through about a month of forced leave due to my ongoing health adventure. I had about a week of leave saved up when I got sick, a week's-worth that I worked very hard to accrue. I have not taken a vacation since I started my job a year ago since I've been using all of my leave when I get sick and when I have hospital visits. A week is all I saved up in all that time, and I was looking forward to using some of it to go to a wedding with Ted's family in Texas.

Well, now that leave's gone. The irony is that with no end to the shutdown in sight I should be able to go to the wedding next weekend without feeling guilty about taking leave without pay, so I'm a little grateful for the time off. I'm still feeling really off from the most recent high-dosage steroid regimen, so I think it's helping me to have some time off. I'm even having some anxiety and other mental side effects that I'm trying to be honest with myself about and that I'm seeking treatment for, after independent recommendations from several friends. Technically I'm supposed to do this through work, actually, but with the government shutdown that is not an option. I am instead seeking care through the normal medical system. I think it's the only reasonable alternative, but some of the issues I'm having I'm not going to be able to discuss with my psychiatrist. So I don't know if the session is even going to be that productive, but I'm going to give it a try.

The shutdown didn't precipitate this need... the factors are too numerous to go into in this post. The shutdown certainly has been on my mind in the past week though. I don't understand the worldview of the people in Congress who think that brinksmanship is a good idea or that the very government that provides so much for them is somehow a bad thing. I understand even less the American citizens who support them in this government shutdown. I just hope that in the aftermath of this tragedy that American citizens will vote in a crowd of legislators who will fix this broken system where a group of renegades can hijack the most important institution in the world and hold it hostage over their own petty egos.

Feeling pretty sick right now, and for once it's not because of leukemia.

Assorted Insomnia

I have insomnia tonight. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't just go ahead and rename this my insomnia blog, since that seems to be the main thing that I use it for. In any case, I've compiled a list of the things keeping me awake tonight:

• My cat's snoring. It's pretty soft, and it's more of a wheeze than a snore, but it's definitely audible.
• Wondering if I'm physically addicted to codeine, since I think I might be experiencing withdrawal. It's a pattern that I think I just identified tonight: on the nights that I take my pain medication, I generally feel a lot better and don't have as much trouble sleeping. On the nights that I don't, my muscles feel really strange and I have a general sense of discomfort that leads to me tossing and turning. I guess I'll talk to the doctor about that. Speaking of symptoms, patterns, and talking to the doctor...
• Deciding to create a log of my health to try to eliminate some of the communication error when dealing with my doctor with respect to my symptoms and medication. I'll just keep it in a text file in Dropbox so I can show it to him on my phone, I guess.
• Fantasizing (night-dreaming?) about creating an artificial intelligence that decides to peacefully coexist with humans rather than destroy them. It turns out that she creates a humanoid robot body because it is desirable to appear human to interact with human society without revealing her existence. Oh, and it's a she because I named her Manta.
• Work stuff, i.e. whether it's worth it to put a lot of work into Twain for a resubmission now that I've graduated (Oh, and I got my diploma in the mail, so it's officially official), and what's going on with my background investigation and what I'm going to do if I don't hear back from those people soon.
• Wondering what other pieces of furniture we should rearrange in our apartment, after rearranging a bunch of stuff today to make way for a new TV in our bedroom. Looking into whether we can use Netflix on the Xbox without a Gold subscription (looks like we can't) or whether I'll just have to suck it up and move the Wii back there. It's not like we use it very often, and with Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale (PASBR?) on the way I don't see us playing much Brawl anymore.
• Enjoying some wordplay brought to me by Gwibber/Twitter. Rebleeting (retweeting on a blog):

  @JaneEspenson
  Commercial: "Watch dark circles visibly vanish." I think this is a case of an adverb beating a verb to death.

• After my laptop power cable just became unplugged, I remembered that my phone's battery is dying. So I went shopping and found a new one for $4 with free shipping on Amazon. I'm skeptical, but the reviews are positive at least.
• Starting to post all of this on G+, then realizing it's too long and turning it into a blog post instead.
• Adding a bunch of links to the post, taking me back to the days of Everything2, before Wikipedia was a thing. Or at least the thing that it is now. Oh, but don't follow that link. You might find posts (like this one) from me on Everything2 from when I was 15 or something, and I'm sure they'd be embarrassing (like this one). Remember kids, Internet never forgets.

And now, since I'm still not really sleepy, I'm going to sneak back into the bedroom and procure my Nook so I can read a bit more of A Clash of Kings to try to put myself to sleep.

Politics

I am doing great. Better than I've been in half a year. Part of it, certainly, is due to the enormous burden that's been lifted from my shoulders now that I've completed my PhD. I had my doubts, honestly, that I would finish it. Over the past three years, I've questioned my mental fortitude a lot and I've questioned whether I will remain a fully-functioning human being going in to the future. My PhD is a victory, one of several victories I've had recently, and these victories are making me optimistic about the future.

Another reason I'm feeling so well? I got my hip replacement three weeks ago. Sure, I can't go through metal detectors without setting them off anymore, but I can walk again. For the first time in half a year, I'm not in any pain. I can usually deal with pain, but when you're in pain for so long that it becomes a part of who you are, that's a real problem. It affects every aspect of your life. I couldn't even really see the impact that it was having until the pain was gone. But it is gone now, so I'm feeling great. Now I just need to work on my gait.

Months of immobility have done one thing in particular that I'd like to write about today: it made me political. As a young adult, I didn't really care about politics. It's actually a lot like sports (which I also don't really care about), and I never really felt like it mattered much to me. Now that I'm not legally allowed to be on Ted's insurance because it's provided by the federal government, I realize that I care quite a bit. I'm going to try to say this as succinctly as I can.

To my devoutly Christian friends: you know that I respect your beliefs even though I disagree with them. My family is very Christian, and I respect that. I even don't complain about them raising their children to only be exposed to one specific set of Christian beliefs even though I believe that it is detrimental to the children's development. I support their beliefs; not strongly, I admit -- for instance I don't contribute money to my brother's missionary work -- but I do support them.

That's why anti-marriage equality people infuriate me, and they should infuriate you to. The only argument that I have ever heard that has any legal basis for banning marriage equality is the argument that "redefining" marriage will restrict the right to religious freedom. Unfortunately for the anti-marriage equality people, this argument favors marriage equality. I believe that same sex couples should be able to marry. Why is it OK to remove my right to believe something, but not yours? Because I'm an athiest? Wikipedia has a great list of Christian religions that support same-sex marriage. What about their religious freedom?

You can continue to believe that marriage is what you think it is. There has never been a singular, consistent definition of marriage that everyone follows, and even the traditions, meaning, and purpose of marriage has varied significantly over time and across societies. The reason we have so much trouble agreeing on a definition of marriage is that it is hard to define. It means different things to different people. When enough people believe that the definition given by law does not adequately reflect the reality of life, it is time for that law to change. It is past time for that law to change.

So, obviously I support gay marriage, but I truly believe and I think many agree that it's a non-partisan issue. I'm a registered independent though I admit that I have liberal leanings. I understand all-too-well the power of the free market which is why I understand that certain people, especially the poor and historically disadvantaged, need to be protected from it in the interest of fairness. So I admit, I'm a bit biased in favor of Obama. I think that it's true that, just by virtue of being Obama and being irrationally hated by a small, vocal part of the population, America has not seen the progress it has needed. The Republican agenda of austerity, though, has never seemed right to me, and Europe is suggesting that that path would have been dangerous. I really hope that this election removes the obstructionist elements of Congress so that our lawmakers can finally get something done, but I'm not holding my breath.

Anyway, the thing that really prompted this post was the recent post about Romney bullying a fellow student. I don't care that the student was gay. I care that the student was seen as something "other", whatever Romney might have thought about this kid. I consider myself to be a very forgiving person, often willing to attribute bad behavior to a lack of empathy rather than actual malice unless the evidence says otherwise. I want to believe that people, on the whole, are good and want to support their fellow man. So I'd really like to say that this story doesn't affect my opinion of Romney, that it was just a folly of youth.

The reason I can't say that, though, is that the man hasn't changed. He's still a bully, rallying other likeminded people around him to persecute the people he doesn't like. Women, gays, the poor, the elderly, foreigners. They're all fair game to the Republican machine. Romney is comfortable with that, because he wants to be popular. Whether he once supported gay marriage or not, he certainly doesn't now, because that's not what his buddies support. The analogy that Romney is a well-oiled weather vane is incredibly accurate. What we need in these difficult times is not a president who will be swayed by public opinion even though they know that public opinion is wrong.

We need a president who has conviction, and who will do the right thing if they can. I am incredibly proud of Obama. In 2008, I understand that he could not support marriage equality. He needed the votes that he could get. No one believes that he did not personally support marriage equality, but as a matter of policy it was not something that he could take on then. Now, he has come out in support of marriage equality at great risk. He has done so because it is the right thing to do and he thinks that he can still win with that position. For what it's worth, President Obama, I believe you can still win too. I hope that you do. But it will all be for nothing if we fail to remove the obstructions from Congress so that we can put this country back on track. It will all be for nothing if we fail to get the votes to put laws into effect that will give equality to everyone. Re-electing Obama is important, but so is the rest of your vote.

Conclusion

Writing a conclusion for my thesis feels really strange. I kind of didn't really believe that it would ever be over, or maybe I just didn't believe that I would make it to this point. I'm not sure. Either way, it's definitely putting the last seven years in perspective.

I think in the end, my leukemia diagnosis coinciding with winning an award for Persona was especially bad for my mental health the past few years. I went from being amazingly lucky to have been in the right place at the right time doing great work, to being completely unsure of myself and feeling unable to live up to my past successes. It's bad enough when you're in grad school to compare yourself to other students, but to also have to compare yourself to your past self is a burden that can really drag you down, emotionally.

I remember being told to relax and focus on getting better by my advisor more times than I can count, and he's been right about it every time but of course it's not in my nature to listen to him. I kept feeling that so much was expected of me after Persona that it would disappoint Bobby and Neil if I didn't hit upon the next big topic and run with it soon. For a while after the bone marrow transplant, I found myself jumping from topic to topic, only discovering that someone else had beaten me to the punch or that the problem wasn't as novel as I wanted it to be. I became very critical of my own work and of the problems that I deemed worth working on. Naturally I also became very dissatisfied with many of the papers that I read because I had trouble believing that they even got published. At some point I set my bar way too high and I wasn't able to get it back down.

I've submitted something to SIGCOMM that has a chance to get in, though I'm not too optimistic. It's the first thing that I've actually gone all the way with and submitted since 2009, which feels like it's far too long ago. Part of me feels regret that I haven't managed to do more with my time in grad school. The other part of me, having just read through my entire dissertation, feels like I've actually accomplished a lot, even if most of it was from 2009 and before. More importantly, that part of me feels like I'm reaching the end of a journey, and I actually kind of find it hard to read the conclusion without getting at least a little emotional. This was a huge part of my life for the past seven years, and when you think about it, it's going to be a huge part of my life overall. Seeing my complete thesis makes it feel like all of the long nights, unreasonable demands, and unexpected difficulties on the road to the PhD have all been worth it. This is something I did. Nothing can take that away.

Health Care and OSNs

I'm working on my thesis right now. Rereading and editing our Persona paper, I reached the section about inherently private online social network (OSN) applications. I remember at the time thinking that sharing health information with doctors through an OSN was a weak example.

Of course, that was before I got leukemia. Now that I'm much more familiar with the health care system, I feel like this is the best reason for a Persona-like OSN. The. Best. Reason. Dealing with multiple doctors, health insurance representatives, and a pharmacy often reminds me of that old game: "Randy, would you please tell your brother that I'm not talking to him right now?" This is a more-or-less real example of how it works.

Dr. #1: "Randy, tell Dr. #2 that I said you can't have your surgery next week because you were sick last week."
Randy: "Why don't you tell him?"
(...Silence...)
Randy: "Well, you'll at least tell him what medications I'm on, right? He needs to know that."
Dr. #1: "No, you should do that too."
Randy: "Will he be able to do his job correctly based on second-hand knowledge given to him from someone who isn't a medical professional?"
Dr. #1: (flippantly) "Sure, why not?"
(...Pause for dramatic effect...)
Randy: "You know, I'm a fairly smart and organized person; how in the hell do your dumber patients manage to navigate this system without causing themselves serious harm?"
Dr. #1: "Sink or swim? Don't forget to go to radiology and get some x-rays; you'll need to take them with you when you see Dr. #2 next. They'll be expecting you."
Randy: "No they won't."
Dr. #1: "They will if you call ahead."
(...Randy shambles over to radiology on his broken hip...)
Receptionist: "Do you have a prescription from Dr. #1?"
Randy: "No, but he's in this same building. Shouldn't it be in your system? Can't you just call him?"
(...The receptionist stares at Randy as if he's from another planet...)
Receptionist: "If you don't have a prescription from Dr. #1 insurance won't cover it."
(...Shamble, shamble, shamble...)

OK, so, I'm being a bit unfair to the doctors and the receptionists and the nurses here. My doctor's not really a jackass like I'm making him out to be, and he's just doing his job filling a role in a broken system. Blaming him isn't going to change anything. As a wise man once said, "You're treating a symptom, when the disease rages on, consumes the human race. The fish rots from the head, as they say, so my thinking is why not cut off the head?" Unfortunately, the health care system, like other broken systems (campaign finance, the tax code, Congress) in America these days, seems to be more hydra than fish: the more heads you cut off, the more that take their place.

In any case, the primary barrier to better privacy controls in OSNs that might enable health care collaboration is not a technical one but a social or business one: how do you pay for it and how do you convince people to use it? I wish I had the answers to those questions, but right now all I want to do is finish my thesis and get a job.

Getting a job immediately after I finish my PhD in May is absolutely crucial: because of DOMA, I can't be included on Ted's health insurance so I will need (possibly in the literal, will-actually-die-without sense of the word) to have some sort of health insurance of my own. Kind of takes some of the celebration out of the fact that marriage equality is coming to Maryland very soon, since it doesn't do anything to change DOMA. I'm sure that President Obama's going to take care of that during his second term, but I don't have the luxury of waiting for that. I remember when I was younger thinking that politics really didn't affect me much and so I didn't care much about it. Suddenly, I feel like so many of the big issues of the day -- marriage equality, health care, government spending -- impact me specifically. Thank goodness I'm not also an immigrant woman... I might explode from the political pressure, or even worse, get featured on CNN in a fluff piece.