Dearly Departed

On Tuesday I got some bad news from my friend and labmate, Dave. His mom passed away. We all knew that she had been having some troubles, recently, but I at least didn't know that it was life-threatening, so it kind of came as a shock to me at least. It turns out that it was a recurrence of breast cancer. Most of "the lab" -- Bobby, Bender, Cristian, Aaron, and myself (and obviously Dave) -- attended the funeral, in part to be there for Dave and also because we had actually met his mom at his thesis proposal. I didn't really get to talk to her at that time, but she seemed like a wonderful woman, and that first impression was reinforced at the funeral service. I haven't lost someone as close to me as she is to Dave, so I really can't understand what he must be going through right now... all I can do is be there for him if he needs me.

Unsurprisingly, this is the first funeral I've been to post-Carmichael. Part of me wants to say that it affected me differently than previous funerals, but I don't think it would be entirely honest. I remember going to the funeral of Kirstin, a girl I went to elementary school with who died in a car accident, and thinking at the time that it could have just as easily been me in that car. The same thing happened with Jordan's funeral after high school. As much as I go to these events to mourn the passing of the people I know, I feel like I also look at them as a reminder that one day I too will die, and I'll have one of these services of my own. Maybe I've just been watching too much Dead Like Me, but I really kind of wish that my death is something spectacular. It would be even cooler if I died doing something heroic, but modern life does not leave much room for heroism. No, in all probability, I will die of something mundane, but with any luck it won't be because of Carmichael, and it won't be any time soon.

The world marches on past Dave's loss... less than an hour later I found myself at the doctor's office. Today's appointment was a little shorter than the previous ones had been; I probably could have gone in to the lab for a few hours afterward, but between the funeral and the rain I just didn't feel like working today. My next two appointments (in two and four weeks) will just be a matter of getting blood drawn, and then they'll call me if there's anything unusual. Then in six weeks I'll have a full appointment again, and they'll do a FISH test to see details about Carmichael. Until then, as I have been anticipating, my CBC is looking very good across the board, so in some sense I'm doing better than I've done in a really long time. Hurray.

PP (post... post): For the record, when I die I want to be cremated, and have my ashes spread somewhere cool, like in an active volcano, space (including, but not limited to the moon), or Antarctica. If those are all too difficult, then a cave would suffice, but it should be pretty deep at least.

SIGCOMM Pitch, Wii Fit Plus, Harley, and Dollhouse

I was a bit frustrated yesterday by the SIGCOMM pitch meeting. Before we begin working on papers for each big conference, we always have a pitch meeting where we throw out our ideas to try to flesh them out a little and figure out who will work on which project. I think Bobby and Neil were disappointed that we weren't ready for the pitch meeting, for me especially since unlike everyone else I haven't had a paper deadline to work toward. I've been busy with other stuff; being in the hospital for starters, doing a few small assignments for GeoMAN, making the HotNets camera ready and slides, preparing for Syschat (though it's understandable that they would forget this since I didn't actually end up giving that presentation), and trying to read a few papers. These tasks have been a little difficult for me, especially on certain days like yesterday and today when I get stuck in a loop where I think to myself that I'm being unproductive, which then causes me to be unproductive, which then makes me think about it, etc.

Anyway, Persona won the best student paper award last year, so there's a lot of pressure to make the follow-up paper for it. I just haven't really had any ideas that have anywhere near the same importance as Persona, and thus I feel a little inadequate. Couple that with the fact that I didn't find out about the SIGCOMM pitch meeting until last Friday, at which time Bobby told me I needed to work on the iOwes project with Dave, plus I needed to make the Bond Breaker slides for Syschat on Wednesday still, and it's easy for me at least to understand why I wasn't ready for the pitch meeting. Oh well. I suspect in the end that the point of the pitch meeting was really just to light a fire under our butts anyway, not to make us feel bad about not being ready for it, so I'm not going to let it get to me.

Yesterday evening I got to use the new game I bought on Wednesday night: Wii Fit Plus. I really liked Wii Fit, but found it to be basically useless for working out because you had to spend so much time just pressing buttons to get from exercise to exercise. Now you can set up entire routines of both strength training and yoga, and this is absolutely perfect for me. I'm hoping that this coming week I can start getting up early in the morning to do a workout before I head into the lab, but we'll see. My first workout convinced me that over the course of my treatment, I've really let myself get out of shape and I need to work on it. A few of the stretches felt like I pushed myself a bit too hard, and some of the exercises put more pressure on my previously gout-ridden toe than I'd like, but other than that, Wii Fit Plus seems like the perfect way to get some real exercise at home.

After my workout yesterday evening, Ted's college friend Harley came to visit us. We went to my favorite restaurant for dinner, Siri's: Chef's Secret, and just chatted about various things. We talked about how I was getting along, and Harley and "Grant" (Ted's name before he came to UMD) caught up on old times. Harley seemed to have this doom and gloom mentality, as if I would drop dead any minute, and that I needed to be out living life to the fullest. I don't know that I necessary disagree, but I like to think that I'll live for at least another 30 years, as some Gleevec researchers are predicting. Plus, by then, they'll probably have a surefire cure.

Today I tried to flesh out some of the ideas we brought up after the SIGCOMM pitch meeting, but I was really distracted, it was really cold in the lab (it has been for a while), and it was such a beautiful day outside. I ended up leaving early. I figure that in a month or so, I'm going to start spending all of my time in the lab, so I can afford a little bit of down time until then. One thing that probably would be nice is if I did my thesis proposal largely based on the planned SIGCOMM paper, and got that over with in November some time, but we'll see if there's time for that. It might be tough with the looming SIGCOMM deadline and the HotNets stuff I still need to take care of, plus there's always GeoMAN... sometimes I just find myself to be stretched too thin to be of much use on any project.

Of course, there was a ray of sunshine tonight: my favorite current TV show, Dollhouse. Tonight's episode was quite good, and I have to say that Enver Gjokaj is a talented and adorable actor. I want to see him in some same-sex engagements! If the Dollhouse were real and I were filthy stinking rich, I'd hire him for all kinds of stuff.

Here's hoping Dollhouse stays on the air for the entire season at least! Poor Joss just can't catch a break on TV these days, even though he was born for the medium...

Prayer

I'm usually pretty lax about who I allow to be my friend on Facebook, and usually I'll just hide someone if their posts annoy me. Today I learned that it is possible to push me far enough to remove a "friend".

My sister-in-law, Anna, just got out of bible study. You know how I can tell? I just got a flood of messages on Facebook from people I barely know. Ordinarily I'm pretty good at putting up with religious folk; I know that religion is important to the rest of my family, so I try not to complain too much. One person in particular, who shall remain nameless, I've known for several years, from back when I tried to go to my brothers' church to try to understand their perspective better. Tonight she sent me a message on Facebook about something called "Gerson Therapy", an alternative to modern medicine in the fight against cancer. That pushed me over the edge, and I deleted all of these people who only I barely know and who obviously don't know me at all.

It's one thing to believe in God. I understand that. The existence of God can't be proven or disproven, and I can see how the thought of a better life after this one would be comforting to many people. On the other hand, I consider logic to be irrefutable, and I think the only way that you can truly believe in anything resembling the Christian God is to just totally throw all notion of logic out the window; you must be willing to accept contradictions if you believe in such a God. That is the root of the problem, and that is what really bothers me. When you reject logic, you're free to reject sound scientific reason, such as the theory of evolution or in this unnamed person's case, modern medicine.

I know that right about now, I am incredibly thankful for modern medicine, and am ecstatic that people devote their lives to developing new and better drugs. If I had met Carmichael ten years ago, I would probably be dead by now, because Gleevec is such a new discovery. When you think of things that way, the speed with which scientific discoveries are made is literally a life and death issue for some people. This person's rejection of science is the ultimate insult to me.

That being said, I can tolerate most religious people, but they do tend to annoy me. I can't tell you how many people told me that they were praying for me while I was in the hospital, but I can assure you that I found the number to be far too high. Prayer is absolutely meaningless to me, and these people know that I'm an atheist, so why do they say such things? I know it makes them feel better, but shouldn't I be the one that they comfort? Oh well. I guess I can handle the aggravation if it helps them feel better.

The biggest issue here was that I knew my family would want me to reconsider my beliefs in my new situation. Oddly enough, I expected it more from my brothers and sister-in-law, but they haven't said anything. It was my Mom and Dad who each tried to persuade me, independently. My Mom tried to apply Pascal's Wager; believing in God had to be better than not believing in God. After trying very hard to convince her of the flaws in that argument --- 1) that you could apply the same argument for other gods, 2) that ascribing infinite value to an afterlife and finite value to our earthly existence is an incorrect valuation for many people, and 3) that believing in God in such a selfish way is unlikely to work even in the event that everything people believe of heaven is real --- she was eventually satisfied when I finally convinced her that the notion of death being final and absolute was actually comforting to me because it makes sense. Apparently, she was more concerned that I was depressed than she was for my soul.

I think it's difficult for religious people to grasp that atheists aren't really afraid of death, and I'm not sure why. It's not like we believe that there's the possibility for an eternity of torture after we die. Death is inevitable; it's really just a matter of when it comes for you and what legacy you can leave behind.