Having trouble

Lately I've been having side effects.  Some are just physical, so they're not too bad. However, others are mental, and they're beginning to worry me.  I'll explain.

The physical side effects pretty much started on Sunday when, after a bit of dehydration caused by the disruption of Thanksgiving, I got gout again. It wasn't quite as bad as last time, but it was in the other foot.  I also didn't have any allopurinol, a problem I have since remedied, since it is supposed to help with the gout. I drank a lot of water to clear the gout up, perhaps too much at once, which nearly led me to throw up after taking my Gleevec with lunch. Fortunately I was also given nausea medicine, which helped me keep it down.

The gout naturally cleared up during my sleep, but the following day and today as well I was left with lingering joint pain in my left elbow, in the bottom of both of my knees, in my ankles, and of course my toes. Oddly, the hardest thing for me right now is to walk down stairs; it really hurts my right leg whenever I have to bend my foot too far.  I'm hoping it feels better soon, because I want to be able to get back to the gym.  This stuff always feels better after I work out.

Finally, on the physical side (though not really side effect related), last night was the end of Movember.  Before shaving, I tried to dye my mo a nice bright blue.  It almost worked, too, except I was a bit careless and it started to dye my skin, too.  Frantically I scrubbed it all off and immediately shaved my mo.  Unfortunately, I had to scrub really hard, and now have several torn pimples and what looks like rug burn on my chin.  At least the dye is gone.

So basically, these physical impediments are distracting, but manageable.  Right now, I am far more concerned with the mental effects.

I've been noticing them for a while actually --- pre-diagnosis, even, though things have gotten far worse since the diagnosis (which could be coincident with Gleevec, my changing attitude towards life, or any number of other factors). It's really hard to put my finger on what I'm feeling right now, but I will try.  I have to try.  I'll start from the beginning.

I was smart.  I was really smart.  I always tried to be humble about it, recognizing that it was just a coincidence that I had a better natural capacity for learning, reasoning, and problem solving than most. But really I enjoyed being smart, and it was the single biggest motivation for continuing my studies in grad school.  As long as I had this ability, it would be a waste not to use it in the pursuit of knowledge. That was my purpose in life. Admittedly, as an existentialist, the pursuit of knowledge didn't have any more intrinsic meaning than anything else, but it's what I chose to value above everything else.

After meandering for several years through grad school trying to catch up to everyone else who had already figured out how the research world works, it finally clicked with me about two years ago. Not long after that, I started to have significant success, culminating with Persona in Sigcomm this year. As much as I want to take credit for that, though, Bender deserves a lot of credit for that paper too, and really Bobby and Neil deserve the most. Without them, the paper would have been a mess.  It's hard to write coherently when your thoughts are a mess.

About a year and a half ago, I noticed my coherence slipping.  It was subtle though, for a very long time.  I was able to function, and I readily associated my deteriorating ability with the nature of research; when you don't exercise your knowledge, it's easy to forget it, and research is typically about a lot more than just programming.  During the summer, as I got closer and closer to needing to present Persona, I got very agitated and terrified, because I felt like a fraud.  I was hanging on by a thread, completely unsure of myself most of the time.  Fortunately, I do still have my lucid moments, and I think stress can trigger them, so I think that I was able to pull off the presentation fairly well. But in reality, something was wrong, and I knew it; I just didn't know what to do about it. I don't know if Neil would even remember this, or even if I made myself clear to him at the time, but I tried to confide in him how I'm feeling.  I don't think either of us could have predicted what was to come.

Now I know what has been wrong with me all this time, and I'm finally putting pieces together.  I don't know exactly what's wrong --- I mean, I don't know the mechanism by which this is happening --- but certain evidence has made my condition clear.  I will try to explain the signs I've observed, along with the possible causes I can identify, an what I intend to do about it.

Lately my research has consisted of three tasks.  The first is, well, research: reading existing work to understand the context in which I'm working and to understand the problems that have and haven't been solved already. The second is vision: identifying a problem and sketching a rough solution, which some would say is the hardest part of research, though I would say it's the easiest. The third is execution: actually nailing down the details of the solution, putting forth the effort to engineer everything and validating the solution.

Vision I can handle.  Thinking abstractly in broad terms is not actually that hard for me at the moment, I think because it's more about brainstorming and just coming up with ideas. On the other hand, researching related work and actually executing the details of a solution both require structure; to both understand and generate a technical solution, you need to closely follow the underlying reasoning to that solution, from one step to next, in a rigid order. It has become obvious to me that my capacity to do this is significantly diminished. It takes me an entire day --- sometimes longer --- to read a technical paper (although I was able to knock out The Gathering Storm fairly quickly, so light reading is still on the menu). Today really hit home, when I seriously tried to tackle a program for the first time since my diagnosis.  I can still do it, but it takes me a very long time to do even the simplest of tasks. I used to be able to keep the majority of a program in my head, to see the connections between variables, functions, structures, classes, etc., but now I can barely remember the variables in the scope of a single function once I look away from them.  I just don't know what to do.  My ability to do my job is slipping away.

There are a few ways to explain this.  The first is that I'm distracted.  My physical pain is sometimes hard to ignore, and those distractions can disrupt my thought process. Once my train of thought is derailed, it's easy to start surfing the Internet or do something else unproductive instead of focusing on what I'm doing. But I've noticed that my behavior when surfing the Internet is changing too!  I will check the same sites over and over, expecting new content even though I know there will be nothing there.  I will read the same news story 3 or 4 times, expecting there to be something new that I missed before.  I was not like this before, and I don't know why it's happening.

So, while I'd like to just chalk this up to distraction, I think that the distraction is just another side effect. Others claim that Gleevec can create a kind of fog, which I can attest to.  Some examples: I was certain I ordered a #6 at Roy Rogers the other day but Ted and my mom agreed with the cashier that I asked for a #2, I often completely miss something Ted says and require that he repeat it 3 or 4 times before it actually sticks with me (especially when playing a video game, which seems to be the one thing I can still focus on), and one day I was talking to Neil about Sigcomm, and I just completely lost myself in the middle of a sentence, having no idea what I said before or what I was going to say next.  It's been a real challenge, and when I get confused like that there's no covering it up.  I don't want my performance to suffer, but I don't think it's in my control anymore unfortunately.  I can only do my best, and my best may not be good enough anymore.

Mostly, I'd like to clarify what these people mean by a Gleevec "fog".  My thoughts used to have connections and structure.  I firmly believe that some of the connections in my brain behave like common computer science structures as a tree, or a graph, or a linked list, or a hash map; because of this structure it is easy to think logically, to follow arguments, and to see patterns.  One of the most insightful things my father has ever said was that it makes sense that I like computers because I think like one.  I don't even know if he realizes how much of a compliment that was in my mind; for all I know he might have meant it as an insult! Maybe I do still think like a computer, but right now I feel as if someone just randomly reassigned all of my pointers, and I'm getting segmentation faults everywhere.

So is it because of Gleevec?  Did my super-thick blood do permanent damage to my brain while I was stuffed to the brim with white blood cells?  I don't know.  I'm a scientist, but I'm not a doctor.  But what does it mean?

I always thought I would stay in research, probably in the realm of academia.  Now I'm just not so sure.  How can I go on to academia if I'll continue to suffer from this debilitating impairment to my thought process?  And if I don't go on to do more research, what more will I do?  It's what I'm best at, and I'm not really qualified for anything else that I would consider interesting or significant. And if I don't go into academia, it will be a huge disappointment, both to Bobby and to myself.  I just don't see it happening.  What can I do?  Something has to change.  Would I be content with just raising children while Ted worked?  Would Ted be content with that? Could I actually handle raising children, or would I be forgetful and neglectful with them, too?  I'm distracted with so many questions, and I just don't have the answers.

I'll just have to think about it some more.  Here's hoping I can.

Pre-Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is just two days away, and I've got a lot to be thankful for.  For instance, compared to last year, I've got my health!  I've had another wonderful year with Ted and I have a loving, caring family.  I've grown closer to my labmates and advisors, which I'm going to mark in the win column.  I've been incredibly (I would almost go so far as to say "unbelievably") successful with my work, between my Sigcomm, HotNets, PAM, and IMC papers (holy crap, were those all this year?), the Best Student Paper Award for Persona, and the fact that two of those papers will be going towards my thesis.  Sony and Obama are pairing up to get LittleBigPlanet in libraries across the nation, so I even have hope for the future of America.

Seriously, the game is that amazing. I only wish that I had more time to play it! Sadly, the slow and steady march of progress moves me on to other games, but LittleBigPlanet will always hold a special place in my heart, along with Super Smash Brothers Melee and Disgaea.

In any case, tomorrow I go to the doctor for a check-up, from which I'll leave to go to my cousin's place for Thanksgiving.  The check-up should be pretty interesting; I think I'm getting the results from my PCR, which should be interesting on way or another.  I also need to see what's going on with my next shipment of Gleevec.  It should be here by now, I would think, though I do still have about two weeks worth of Gleevec, so I'm not too concerned yet.

I'm sure my family will enjoy my mo tomorrow. I facebooked (shush, spellchecker, it is a word if I say it is, and so is "spellchecker") Anika today to ask about getting dye for it, and it sounds like she'll be able to give me some.  I'm thinking of going with a dark blue, and depending on my mood at the time and the quantity of hair dye she can give me, I'll dye my hair, too.  Look forward to a picture of that!  I may also have a mo-shaving party.  Dave suggested that I serve mojitos and mogaritas (with coconut shavings instead of salt).

Side Effects, Kareem, and BMT

Just a quick update on some stuff. I'm currently feeling a bit crappy, due to a combination of retaining water, muscle (especially back) aches, and an odd bruise that I need to ask the doctor about. I think I might need to get a new chair for work that will help my back feel better.

Today, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar came out as a fellow CaMeL... though it sounds like he caught things really early and was spared the distress of growing a hump. Needless to say, I've watched the Airplane scene with him in it a few times today. This also explains why he was playing for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society when he was on Celebrity Jeopardy recently.

Also, I got a phone call from my brother, Billy. He got the results from his bone marrow test, and he is apparently at least a preliminary match. So that's good, at least. Of course, a bone marrow transplant is only a last resort if Gleevec, Sprycel, and Tasignia were all to stop working for me. With any luck, that will never happen.

Odds and Ends

Sorry for the delay between posts, but I'm engrossed in a video game at the moment. Demon's Souls is a very addictive game, and I initially thought I would dislike it due to the difficulty. It turns out, though, that the difficulty is deceptive, since the game is very hard in the beginning and gets much easier as you get a handle of things. I still have quite a bit to do to get the platinum trophy, but I'm well on my way.

I promised to post the picture from the Bodies exhibit in New York, but forgot... so here it is:

Speaking of pictures, here are two more. I've decided to participate in Movember to raise awareness and maybe money for the fights against testicular and prostate cancer. I'm not really the type of person to fund raise, but Carmichael is making me think twice about it. Besides... I think the concept of Movember is brilliant.

Side effects lately have been pretty mild. My stomach hurts for a few minutes when I wake up in the morning, and my muscles have been aching quite a bit but that didn't stop me from going to the gym on Monday and Tuesday. It did on Thursday and Friday, but now that I no longer think my expanding spleen is my expanding fat belly I'm willing to take it easier on myself in terms of working out. Other than that, there was one day where I was a space cadet and had a headache, but those effects seem to have passed.

Forbidden Fruit

I really like this blog entry's title, but to explain why I will have to take a slight detour before I get to the main point of tonight's post. Bear with me.

When I was 15 or so I kept a "blog", only this was before they were called blogs. This was before LiveJournal, heck, it was before OpenDiary. I actually made my own online diary and didn't share it with anyone for a really long time, and it was incredibly helpful during the coming out process because it really let my friends know what I was feeling. It's ironic that I am so open and honest online (and was so even that long ago) when you consider that my area of expertise is now in privacy in Online Social Networks. After writing in my diary for years, my friend Kara discovered OpenDiary and we both started using that. Then I discovered a hole in their security that allowed me to steal anyone's password, sent them a helpful e-mail to let them know that they had a serious problem, and promptly got my account deleted. Including all of my diary information that I had, by that point, lost all of my local copies. That was my first experience with losing data in the cloud, so you'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now. Google has treated me well, though, so I'll continue to use their services.

Anyway, getting back to the title of this post, I distinctly remember that I used this title before in my old diary when referring to a straight guy that I had a crush on. (I still have crushes on straight guys from time to time, but I certainly don't obsess over them the way I did in high school, which is why you won't see such an entry in this blog.) I find the title of this post so funny because it applies very literally to my current circumstances.

Grapefruit.

I bought several food items from Bytes cafe -- the shop in A.V. Williams, the Computer Science building at UMD -- both this morning and this afternoon. Both times I grabbed a bottle of juice. The shop has basically four selections for juice that I would drink: orange, strawberry kiwi, cranberry, and grapefruit. I tend to favor orange juice and strawberry kiwi, but I get the other two occasionally. Or rather, I used to. One of the very prominent warnings for Gleevec is that I'm not allowed to have grapefruit in any form. You'd think it wouldn't bother me much, since I'm not really that big of a fan of grapefruit juice, but every time I open that refrigerator there I get this terrible craving for the drink that I just can't have.

Incidentally, there are a number of other things I'm not supposed to have, such as Vitamin E and St. John's Wort, but they're mostly easy to avoid (though I tend not to get Naked juice anymore, which is good for my wallet). There is one more thing: garlic. Garlic has been shown to (note: I'm paraphrasing from my understanding of the science behind it) affect the ability of the body to metabolize the Gleevec, so I'm supposed to avoid it as much as possible. This is of course nearly impossible since there's garlic in everything, so I've mostly stopped worrying about it. Grapefruit, however... I'm just going to have to suck it up.

As a final aside for tonight's post, even though I've been feeling great the past few days, I've had a few side effects. There's something strange going on with the pressure in my ears, and it comes and goes, but it's no big deal. I also have a little sore on the side of my mouth, and I had a nose bleed today. I was actually kind of glad for the nose bleed, honestly, because it confirmed my suspicions. I mentioned to Katrina on Monday that I was feeling great and jokingly said that I was thinking of cutting myself to see how quickly I healed (I think I freaked her out with that one a bit) because I suspected that my blood cell counts were trending toward normal. My nose bleed healed very quickly today, so I think my platelets are doing great. I feel like I have much more energy and that I'm more awake, so I bet my red blood cells are hanging in there too. And now I'm (successfully) fighting off the cold that Ted's trying to give me, so I think even my white blood cells are working! I'm actually kind of looking forward to my doctor's appointment next week after all, despite learning today how expensive my hospital stay really was.

I'll just say this: it cost more than I make in a year, and my health insurance is covering most of it, but based on my understanding of the statement from the health insurance company, it looks like I'll be expecting to pay a few thousand bucks. It's a good chunk of the money I've saved up over the past 8 years, but it's a small price to pay to take good care of my health.

Normal Again

I felt pretty normal today. That probably wouldn't sound like an accomplishment to most people, but this is the first time since I was diagnosed with Carmichael that I've really felt that things were normal again.

Today was a lazy Sunday, just like any other lazy Sunday I've enjoyed with Ted for the past 5 years or so. We got up around 8 o'clock (that's late for us), and Ted graded papers while I played "Holy Invasion of Privacy, Badman! What Did I Do To Deserve This?" on my new PSP Go, which of course I played with a PS3 controller on our nice TV. At 10:00, I switched to just the PSP Go while Ted watched This Week. Then we took a shower, and then I played more of my game. Around noon, Ted made lunch and we watched a DVRed Saturday Night Live together. Then I played my game for a long time, until right before dinner time when we started watching Across the Universe. We took a break in the middle for Ted to make a delicious dinner, and after we finished dinner and the movie, Ted watched 60 minutes while I did the dishes. Then I just played "Prinny: Can I Really Be the Hero?" for the rest of the evening since I had finished my other game.

It was nice. The only time I really thought about Carmichael was when I took my pills, and that was pretty brief. I've had no side effects to speak of today, although I have had some cramps in my hands; while this is a side effect of Gleevec, it is much more likely that this was caused by the frustration of playing "Prinny: Can I Really Be the Hero?" It's fun, but frustrating.

I'm hoping that tomorrow will be just as good, because I have a lot of work to do by Wednesday. Wish me luck.

Doctor's Appointment

Today was Thursday, and that means that it was time for an appointment. The appointments have been a little frustrating for me. Back in February my car died, so ever since then I've just used Zipcar to get around. This has worked very well for me; I can get to most places by foot, bus, or metro. However, I live in College Park, and the Greenebaum Cancer Center is up in Baltimore, about a 30-45 minute drive away.

It wouldn't be so bad to do with Zipcar, except Zipcar is pay-by-the-hour, and I spend a lot of hours at the GCC. My typical appointment goes like this. Someone in my family picks me up around 10 and I get to GCC about 15-30 minutes before my appointment time. I sign in, and then almost immediately get my vitals checked. Then I have to wait until my appointment time, at which time they draw some blood and tell me to wait in the other waiting room. And I wait, and wait, and wait, while they do a CBC (Complete Blood Count) test on my blood. Then I see my doctors, Dr. Singh and Dr. Rapoport, and they tell me that my blood counts are low but that that is to be expected. For a while, I would then have to go fill a prescription for Gleevec, but now that I've been approved for the patient assistance program the Gleevec is shipped directly to my house. Back when I had to wait for the prescription, I would be at GCC until 4:30, but now I'm "only" there until 3:00 or so.

The CBC is pretty interesting. I started out at 480 thousand white blood cells per millimeter cubed (which I will from now on denote as 480 WBC). They put me on Gleevec and Hydroxyurea (which is what most people think of when they think of chemotherapy), and that entire week at the hospital I dropped by about 50 WBC each day. I was at 70 WBC when they discharged me, and the next week I was in the normal range. Now I'm actually a little low, on white blood cells, red blood cells, platelets, you name it. Today they gave me a procrit shot to try to convince my body to make more red blood cells. Since my WBC is so low, they also gave me the flu shot and advised me to get the H1N1 shot when it becomes available.

Also today, we had a bit of a snafu. My brother came to the appointment with me, intending to get some blood drawn to test if he's a bone marrow match in case we decide to do a bone marrow transplant in the future. This of course confused the nurses --- they took his vitals, drew my blood --- in short they mixed up a lot of information and failed to take my vitals or draw his blood. They eventually corrected the mistake after Dr. Rapoport came into the room and jokingly mentioned that I had put on a little weight; at this point I told him that they never took my vitals, and then questioned how he believed the numbers he had in front of him. After all, I weigh about 150 pounds and my brother weighs 180, and I'd think it would be pretty unhealthy to put on 30 pounds in a week. In any case, we eventually got the matter sorted out. The thing I found so weird about it is that we knew there was some confusion, so we each checked the names on the sheets and they had Billy's name for the vitals and my name for the blood. Weird, huh?

Despite that eating up most of my day, I did manage to have a lot of good times today. In particular, I was one of the lucky "few" to get a Google Wave invite, and playing with that has been really fun. Though, Google Wave is all about collaboration, and my friend invites haven't taken effect yet, so there's not a lot to do with it yet. I did create a list of video games that I plan to purchase. I normally keep such a list in Gmail, and reply to the mail to update the list, so Google Wave really is exactly what I want for that. I will likely also move my "command line" folder to Google Wave, and probably share that with my friend Katrina as well. That folder is what I use to store useful command line calls that I would otherwise forget, and again, since I edit them and append to them, Google Wave seems like the perfect place.

Then, much later, I also managed to snag a PSP Go. I'm especially happy about this because NISA is having a 50% off deal on six of their games, five of which I plan to buy, this week only in honor of the Go's debut. Since I didn't own a PSP previously, the PSP Go is a great buy for me, especially now that I'm spending entire days at a time on the go waiting in GCC for my appointment with the doctors.

I've Got Mail!

Today my labmate, Cristian, defended his dissertation. I've been working with him for several years, and in fact I'm a co-author on many of his papers, so I really would have loved to have been there for his defense. Instead, I was stuck at home waiting for the delivery man to deliver my Gleevec.

Here's the deal with Gleevec. It's actually really expensive at $100 per pill or so, and I, thinking I was a relatively healthy 26 year old, decided not to purchase prescription insurance. Fortunately for me, Novartis, the company that makes Gleevec, has a program for people exactly like me: less than 5 times the poverty level, less than $75,000 in savings, and no prescription insurance. I am incredibly thankful that they actually give me the pills for free! It's funny; I would be paying much more if I actually had prescription insurance.

In any case, I was approved for this program on Friday. Until today, I had been living off of medication the doctors gave to me at the hospital, and I could tell that they were running out of options for getting me deals on it. Today the delivery man delivered a month's worth of Gleevec. To my surprise, he also delivered something I ordered last week, a new pill box!

From Miscellaneous

I'm really pleased with it! I figured that since I'd be on pills for the rest of my life, I might as well have a convenient way of carrying them. I wish it were a tiny bit smaller, so that it would fit into my change pocket, but I really can't complain.

Fortunately, my deliveries arrived in time for me to catch up with the lab before they went out to lunch. On my way to the lab, I ran for a few minutes in order to catch the bus. As I was running, I suddenly felt a pain in my chest, and at first I thought it was my heart. My heart was pounding, way harder than it usually does when I'm exercising. But I eventually realized that the pain was a bit lower, and I think it was more related to the fact that I strained my muscles a bit carrying home groceries last night. For kicks, I tried running on the way home also, and felt it again. I'm definitely going to ask the doctor about it at our appointment on Thursday, and until then I'll try to manage my exercise routine carefully.

Despite being distracted by side effects, I was very productive at work today, and we all got to have fun at Cristian's celebratory lunch. Between my productivity this weekend with installing Ubuntu 9.04 and with my work today, I'm really feeling like I'm getting my life back on track, and that makes me really happy.

Side Effects

As I previously mentioned, I'm taking Gleevec. Gleevec is a great drug; unlike typical chemotherapy, it is specifically designed to target the problem cells that Carmichael is making. Of course, it comes with a fair share of side effects. I recently subscribed to the discussion board for Carmichael (he has his own BBS!) on the LLS web site, and unfortunately it's creeping me out a bit. People much further along than me are complaining about the side effects and their quality of life on Gleevec. Then again, they also thought the bone marrow biopsy was really painful, so I'm not sure that I can trust that their experience will be similar to mine.

Speaking of unspeakable pain, I've so far had three temporary side effects from my medication. The first was a rash, which I believe was caused by Hydroxyurea, a chemotherapy medication I was on immediately after diagnosis to bring my alarmingly high white blood cell count down from 430k per hundred mm cubed to a safe 4k-11k. I'm off the Hydroxyurea now, thankfully. Another "side effect" is that Gleevec is preventing me from regrowing some new (albeit cancerous) bone marrow cells, so I'm currently just plain low on bone marrow, which also means that I'm low on all of my blood cell counts. This means I'm slightly anemic, and a little tired, and more importantly, low on platelets, so when my vicious cat Shabby attacked me this evening, I actually bled much more than usual and ruined a sock.

However, those side effects pale in comparison to the third one which I experienced three days ago. I woke up to my new gift in the morning, an excruciating pain in my left toe. After hobbling to a bus that took me to UMD's health center, I was quickly diagnosed with gout, which my third medication (allopurinol) was supposed to prevent. One day and a few painkillers later, it mostly went away, and now I only feel it if I try pretty hard. Interestingly, I don't remember the pain much now, only the certainty that it hurt more than anything else I'd ever experienced. I remember a similar experience when I accidentally stabbed myself in the eye with an umbrella as a child. I got through that pretty easily and realized that when things are really painful, my brain is really good at shielding me from that pain, and for that I am grateful. By the way, to get through my bout of gout, we gave it a nickname too: Gary.

As for other side effects, who knows when they'll strike? One of the most annoying things about Carmichael is that I'm now constantly questioning anything I feel. Did I feel like this yesterday? Have I ever felt this feeling before? Even if I haven't, is this just a normal feeling that's unrelated to Carmichael? How can I tell if something's serious, and what do I do if I mistake something as being minor even though it's dangerous for me? I guess these are just the questions I need to deal with, but still, I think I'd feel a bit better if my boyfriend, Ted, weren't gone to a family reunion this weekend, leaving me home alone for the first time since my diagnosis...

Introduction

My name is Randy and I was recently diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML). Like, really recently. As in three weeks ago. As it turns out, modern medicine is well-equipped to deal with what was not-too-long ago considered a deadly form of cancer. I took my initial diagnosis pretty hard, since I just heard "leukemia" and immediately thought, "I'm probably going to die... sooner rather than later." Thankfully, my prognosis is actually not bad at all, and with the help of my little friend (a 400mg daily dose of Gleevec) I will continue to live a long life supposedly fraught with a few side effects here and there.

I admit, despite my boundless optimism and sunny disposition, I sometimes idly have dark and depressing thoughts (though you might not know it if you weren't reading this blog). However, I've decided to focus on positive thoughts. This blog will most likely blend the good and the bad, but for the most part I expect to just deal with the bad and focus on the good things that have come of being diagnosed with CML.

I think most of my friends and family (and even strangers) have actually taken my diagnosis harder than I have; hopefully I'll get to that at some point. :) But my really close friends, the ones who understand me the most, really understand my attitude and are definitely with me on taking CML in stride and having fun with it. To that end, we've even given CML an affectionate name: Carmichael. I like to think of Carmichael as a friend who will never leave me. Even if the doctors kill him, his memory will live on in me, and that means something... I guess. :)