Another lazy weekend

Ted and I just had another lazy weekend. I'm still feeling great, but rather than take advantage of that fact I spent the entire weekend playing video games. I didn't even get any work done, as I had planned, so I'd better just buckle down and really work tomorrow in the lab. I'm pretty sure Bobby will be expecting a report from me about our SIGCOMM plans -- and possibly also about the Bond Breaker slides which I haven't touched -- so I'd better be ready. Maybe I can think about SIGCOMM while I work out tomorrow morning. I'm planning on starting my Wii Fit workout routine in the morning as well.

As for this weekend, I finished "Prinny: Can I Really Be The Hero?" and have moved on to Wild Arms XF for the PSP. It's pretty fun! Also this weekend, Ted and I have started playing LittleBigPlanet again. We previously took a hiatus because our PS3 memory was wiped, but over the course of this weekend we've unlocked most of the items in the game. Really, the hard parts are over, so now it's just a matter of time. When we're done, we'll be able to make some stages again, so I'm looking forward to that. It really is a fantastic game.

Sorry to keep it so short, but I'm tired and I'd like to get some sleep tonight (unlike last night). I'm currently looking forward to Thursday so that I can get confirmation that my CBC is looking good...

SIGCOMM Pitch, Wii Fit Plus, Harley, and Dollhouse

I was a bit frustrated yesterday by the SIGCOMM pitch meeting. Before we begin working on papers for each big conference, we always have a pitch meeting where we throw out our ideas to try to flesh them out a little and figure out who will work on which project. I think Bobby and Neil were disappointed that we weren't ready for the pitch meeting, for me especially since unlike everyone else I haven't had a paper deadline to work toward. I've been busy with other stuff; being in the hospital for starters, doing a few small assignments for GeoMAN, making the HotNets camera ready and slides, preparing for Syschat (though it's understandable that they would forget this since I didn't actually end up giving that presentation), and trying to read a few papers. These tasks have been a little difficult for me, especially on certain days like yesterday and today when I get stuck in a loop where I think to myself that I'm being unproductive, which then causes me to be unproductive, which then makes me think about it, etc.

Anyway, Persona won the best student paper award last year, so there's a lot of pressure to make the follow-up paper for it. I just haven't really had any ideas that have anywhere near the same importance as Persona, and thus I feel a little inadequate. Couple that with the fact that I didn't find out about the SIGCOMM pitch meeting until last Friday, at which time Bobby told me I needed to work on the iOwes project with Dave, plus I needed to make the Bond Breaker slides for Syschat on Wednesday still, and it's easy for me at least to understand why I wasn't ready for the pitch meeting. Oh well. I suspect in the end that the point of the pitch meeting was really just to light a fire under our butts anyway, not to make us feel bad about not being ready for it, so I'm not going to let it get to me.

Yesterday evening I got to use the new game I bought on Wednesday night: Wii Fit Plus. I really liked Wii Fit, but found it to be basically useless for working out because you had to spend so much time just pressing buttons to get from exercise to exercise. Now you can set up entire routines of both strength training and yoga, and this is absolutely perfect for me. I'm hoping that this coming week I can start getting up early in the morning to do a workout before I head into the lab, but we'll see. My first workout convinced me that over the course of my treatment, I've really let myself get out of shape and I need to work on it. A few of the stretches felt like I pushed myself a bit too hard, and some of the exercises put more pressure on my previously gout-ridden toe than I'd like, but other than that, Wii Fit Plus seems like the perfect way to get some real exercise at home.

After my workout yesterday evening, Ted's college friend Harley came to visit us. We went to my favorite restaurant for dinner, Siri's: Chef's Secret, and just chatted about various things. We talked about how I was getting along, and Harley and "Grant" (Ted's name before he came to UMD) caught up on old times. Harley seemed to have this doom and gloom mentality, as if I would drop dead any minute, and that I needed to be out living life to the fullest. I don't know that I necessary disagree, but I like to think that I'll live for at least another 30 years, as some Gleevec researchers are predicting. Plus, by then, they'll probably have a surefire cure.

Today I tried to flesh out some of the ideas we brought up after the SIGCOMM pitch meeting, but I was really distracted, it was really cold in the lab (it has been for a while), and it was such a beautiful day outside. I ended up leaving early. I figure that in a month or so, I'm going to start spending all of my time in the lab, so I can afford a little bit of down time until then. One thing that probably would be nice is if I did my thesis proposal largely based on the planned SIGCOMM paper, and got that over with in November some time, but we'll see if there's time for that. It might be tough with the looming SIGCOMM deadline and the HotNets stuff I still need to take care of, plus there's always GeoMAN... sometimes I just find myself to be stretched too thin to be of much use on any project.

Of course, there was a ray of sunshine tonight: my favorite current TV show, Dollhouse. Tonight's episode was quite good, and I have to say that Enver Gjokaj is a talented and adorable actor. I want to see him in some same-sex engagements! If the Dollhouse were real and I were filthy stinking rich, I'd hire him for all kinds of stuff.

Here's hoping Dollhouse stays on the air for the entire season at least! Poor Joss just can't catch a break on TV these days, even though he was born for the medium...

Out of my funk

Today was good. I managed to get up and go to the gym, and was able to burn 70% more calories than I was ever able to do before my diagnosis and treatment. I feel great in general, which makes me think my blood cell counts are starting to correct themselves.

I was totally lucid at work and even fairly productive. I almost finished the first draft of my Bond Breaker slides; this is the paper I will present at HotNets in New York on October 22nd or so. I'm looking forward to it, especially since I've never been to New York before.

It's time to start thinking about Sigcomm... something I've been dreading but that I think will be good for me. It looks like I'll probably be working on the iOwes paper with Dave, which is good, because I won't be the lead author (I don't know for sure that I could handle that right now) and because it's still very much related to OSNs, my area of research. I just hope I can handle the 80 hour work weeks that are to come in my not-too-distant future.

Work Frustration

I think my delight at having my spleen shrink has worn off. I was pretty depressed yesterday, so depressed that I left work early. The only task I had to work on yesterday was to make some slides for HotNets, and I just couldn't make myself work on it. I'm sure that everyone has their off days at work, but this was not the only such instance for me.

In fact, I feel like it's been going on for a long time. I really feel that over the past 4+ years in grad school I've become dumber, lazier, more distracted, and more frustrated when it comes to my work. This might surprise some people, since I've actually been very successful in the past two years; see my publication record on my web site, though it's missing my latest IMC paper and the fact that Persona won the best student paper award. However, I find myself working twice as hard to do half as much.

Until now, I just blamed this feeling on the aging process. Now I have no choice but to question if Carmichael has been to blame for some of it. Have I not been getting enough oxygen to my brain? Or do I just want something to blame on my own failures? This inability to tease out what the effects of Carmichael are and what are "normal" changes to my body is incredibly frustrating. Which of these changes can I prevent, and which are inevitable?

These are the thoughts that went through my head as I walked home. It really weighs on me, because I've always prided myself on a job well done, and without that, what do I have? I'm really worried about Sigcomm this year; heck, I'm worried about finishing this presentation in time for Syschat on Wednesday. In the end, I suppose the only thing I can do is to try my best, as tacky as that sounds...