Hospital Thoughts

I've been in the hospital since the 11th, I think, and it's the 26th now. For the most part, my treatment hasn't been much of a problem.  Except for a few days where I couldn't get my eyes to focus enough to even watch TV, things have been moving along quickly.  I suspect that a season of 30 Rock and three seasons of Battlestar Galactica have had something to do with that. 

I've been on all manner of drugs, and at some point I just lost track of them. I think before I get out of here I need to get some of this information written down.  Maybe I'll also get a log of my blood cell counts.

Among the more eventful days in here: when Katrina visited, she gave me and my advisor, Bobby, mohawks. We figured that since my hair was going to fall out at some point, it would be fun to have a mohawk until that happened.  Of course, I was expecting my hair to fall out any day, but it's still hanging in there.  I assume it will fall out during the final round of chemo before the bone marrow transplant.

Also fun was Christmas Eve.  We had Christmas at the hospital, and I got to open my gifts.  My whole family showed up, which was nice, but I was tethered to my IV pole sucking down blood, which put a slight damper on the occasion.  Still, we had a good time, I think.  Mom is still struggling with everything, but she made it through.  She's having a tough time with life in general, and I tried to convince her to talk to her doctor about it, but she says she can only deal with one problem at a time.  I hope she can get over this, because I'm really worried about her state of mind after all of this.  I just hope that she'll feel better about all of it when the bone marrow transplant is done and when it looks like I'm cured.  Only time will tell, though.

Even though my stay has been uneventful and not too bad, I'm itching to get out of here. I want to go back to work as much as I can, because I feel totally useless right now with my life, which is to say my social and professional lives, trapped in limbo like this. More than anything though, I just want to be at home alone with Ted for just a little while, for things to be like they were before I came in here. I miss him so much, and his visits aren't really the same as being with him at home.

The good news is that my blood cell counts are now trending upward, so I'll probably be out of here some time this week.  I hope that life can go back to an approximation of something normal, but it's tough to say at this point, with the bone marrow transplant looming over me. I need to start thinking about my research again, and in particular I need to deal with some bureaucracy involving my proposal. Technically I'm supposed to propose by the end of the semester, and while I'm sure I could use this as justification for an extension, I'd like to get my proposal done with.  Not to mention... Well, let's just say that Bobby is taking all of this very hard, and I want to make sure that I graduate as soon as possible because it's in everyone's best interest. I would have liked to be able to pad my CV a bit more before getting ready to go on the job search, but it's too late for that now.  I kept putting off doing internships, because it never seemed like the right time, and now this summer I'm sure I need to stay in the area for my doctor visits, so it looks like I'm just never going to make it into an internship; I hope that doesn't hurt me too much when it comes to getting a job.  Still, all of that is really a long way off, it's just tough not to think about long term goals and challenges after having my life put into perspective the way it has been recently.

Finally, as much as I love Zipcar and think it's a great idea, I don't think it's going to work for me anymore with all of the doctor's visits. For that matter, it's time for Ted to get used to driving again, especially since he'll probably be getting a new, real job this summer. It's time for us to grow up and become more responsible, and I think a part of me is going to really miss grad school when we have to move on, no matter how much I've complained about it. It really has been a special time, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.